This was the tag line I left on an online dating site last summer. I posted it mostly for the inquiry, wondering whether or not men would actually respond but I was particularly interested in how they would respond. I was interested to see how many men fantasized about sleeping with lesbians. I was pretty sure that I didn’t have to objectify myself as a lesbian as much as I did but I know people have done worse things for dick. Of course, I soon realized that this kind of tag attracted the kinds of men I have no interest in. The kinds that want to “turn me out” and show me that if I got with a “real man”, then I would no longer have desires for women. Fat chance!!!
I was 22 and had still never had a meaningful relationship or sexual intercourse with a man. It wasn’t that I was desperate, just simply curious. I had spent many years trying to engage in conversation about boys with my friends and found that these discussions only lead to mindless chatter about whether someones boy toy at the time had noticed their hair cut. I identified very strongly as a lesbian, but I realized that my faithful allegiance to all things womanly was making me see men in quit a negative light. My experiences with men where not much of a help. I grew up with a father who inconsistently came in and out of my life. And the boy friends I had in high school cheated on me with my friends and where emotionally degrading and abusive. So I threw in the towel as my physical and emotional attraction toward women began to blossom. It was clear that I was beginning to become really uncomfortable around men. Unless they were gay, I clumped them into the category of dead beats, self-absorbed poets and artists, liars, cheaters and all around phonies. It got the point where I didn’t mind having to see them, as long as I didn’t have to hear them. Now if any of you have had the pleasure of speaking with Nina Hartley about the white feminism movement, she will tell you that in many ways it was a complete detriment to the heterosexual male community. While the feminist movement completely elevated women, it demonized men, separating them from women all together. I wasn’t so sure if I agreed with her but I have noticed the attitudes that some lesbians have toward men, particularly black lesbians. If anyone knows anything about black woman, we are often the primary culprits of emasculating our men. Maybe this comes from the fact the slavery turned us into a fractured culture and as we stumble across American soil, we end up hurting one another in an attempt to find our own sense of identity. But analyzing the gender dynamics of violence and love in the black community is a whole other post entirely (although, I think bell hooks has covered most of the topic quit extensively!).
So I started into the inquiry of men, of having a physical and maybe even, an emotional connection with a man. First, I realized that I had to stop separating myself from men. I had to find a way to grapple with the fact that the only real difference between men and women is genitalia. I ended up learning that our genitalia isn’t even really that different. Nina Hartley confirmed this in an oral sex workshop she lead at the Pleasure Chest last summer stating that the penis is just an extension of the clitoris which is why all their junk is on the outside and ours is on the inside. She explained that we have the same erogenous zones and that the beloved female g-spot is very similar to the male p-spot. This sounds simple enough but it really changed my outlook on men. If the appearance of our genitals is simply the result of natural selection then suddenly I could deal with the idea of having sex with man. I also considered a few other things: 1) genitalia can be easily altered by the versatility of the dildo; 2) gender is a social construct and both men and woman are conditioned by society to behave differently from one another and 3) gender identity is a self-proclaimed, fluid state of being. Considering all this I realized that I need to stop being so tripped up about gender.
Soon after the workshop, I started having sex with men regularly. I continue to identify as a lesbian because my life partner will always be a woman but every interaction I have with a man brings me one step closer to coming complete with my father as well as other men that have slighted me in my life. My entry point to trusting men was offering them my body and every time I receive a loving touch, I become more and more open to having a man in my life. And at this point I’m not really “Bi-curious” anymore. I’m quit aware that I enjoy the company of men and so does my partner.
Even so I am still yet to experience an emotional connection with a man in my adulthood. Now that some time has pasted, I have a better idea of the kind of man I am looking for. I am looking for a down to earth guy who is well read, can carry on a conversation, loves good food and is open enough to have all kinds of naughty as well as vanilla fun. I seek a good communicator, someone who loves to laugh and has a decent grasp on queer culture. A man who is mature enough to separate his life in the bedroom with his life in the real world and respects the boundaries of being a lover and friend (and someone who can respect my primary partner, of course).
Ideally, I would love a man who can hold a great balance between treating me like a queen and fucking me like a slut! And as a self-identified lesbian with an attraction to men, I’m not afraid to say it!