Submission v. Complacency, Mainstreaming Kink and New Desires

The past two weekends, between Great Leather Lakes Alliance’s (GLLA) in Indianapolis and Fetfest in the beautiful woods of Ramblewood, MD, I’ve been thinking a lot about submission, feminism and my position in the kink community as a player and as a writer.

Okay, let me start from the beginning.

After our road trip across country ended in the dizzying nightmare of manic driving, little eating or sleeping and finally, being stranded in Nowhere, Vermont, I was definitely wary about traveling again. Serving an IMsL has become second nature over the last year and a half, it literally has become the identity under which I serve. IMsL was the first vessel under which I really embraced service and girl identity. I am an IMsL’s girl, so picking out my Lady’s outfits, making sure she eats and gets to where ever she has been requested on time has just simply been my way of being, so much so that sometimes I have forgotten how to say no. Sometimes I blindly say yes to things eager to serve even if I’ve hit my limit, especially when it comes to furthering the sex positive and kink communities. The problem is I serve begrudgingly and become a complete pain in the ass to Sara, complaining the whole time while working to create successful workshops and events. I can be such a brat just because I didn’t say no to something to begin with.

So on the 8 hour car ride to GLLA, I was thinking about the differences between submission and complacency. I realized early on in Sara and I’s relationship that when I get frustrated, I get complacent. I completely shut down and go along with whatever because I’m too irritated to talk or don’t think I’ll be heard. My complacency leads to numbness or anger, which always ends in heated words with Sara. My complacency is very different from my submission. For me submission (and service) is a gift that happens in an instant. The minute I tie my ladies boots to hit the road, I’m giving her solid footing to go. Working a leather event alongside her, I get to watch her shine and get connected with family. In the bedroom, my orgasm validates the hell out of everyone. And I choice submission. Unfortunately, complacency tends to choice me. Being complacent makes me feel silenced, submission makes me feel empowered.

After thinking came talking. Sara and I never started off in a Dominate/submissive relationship. We’ve never had a contract, barely have steady routines and my collar, though a symbol of being owned, has also doubled as our wedding ring. On the car ride, we talked about domesticating our D/s, bringing it into our household and not just activating it at events. I’ve always trusted Sara as my Top, but it’s been hard not being a stubborn, skeptical girl who questions trust in a Dominate. Submission is also being able to tear down those emotional walls and being willing to be led by someone to parts of yourself you have not yet discovered. Sometimes I literally feel like I am short circuiting, simultaneously being a poly, submissive, feminist balancing identities as both girl and Wife. All my frustration over traveling and IMsL has really come down to wanting to spend more time with my wife and wanting to work more on our D/s dynamic at home. Once I communicated that, we started putting our D/s plan in action.

As for GLLA, Sara and I taught our workshop “The Revolution will be Kinky” Saturday afternoon and I nice crowd of TNGers (The Next Generation), couples and queers showed up. We talked a lot about kink in the mainstream, particularly as a result of the wildly popular E.L. James Fifty Shades of Grey. We discussed some pros and cons of bring kink into the mainstream media.

Pro: People will start talking about alternative sex practices and hopefully begin to seek out educational outlets to learn about these practices.

Con: The exclusivity of the kink community keeps it insulated and safe, which for folks who are risking their jobs just to play publicly is extremely vital.

We also touched on the idea of the internet and Fetlife and how those social networks has effected the vetting of kinksters and leather folks throughout the Great Lakes community. I love teaching this class because the discussion based format guarantees every workshop will be different and unique.

Fast forward to Labor Day weekend: Sara and I, with the help of Parker, kd Diamond and many others, ran and successfully executed Queer Leather Village at Fetfest this year. The Queer Scout Sampler was well attended, lots of folks tried needles, rope and leather work for the first time. The Fisting Party was a hit and the Surf and Turf dinner, courtesy of Glenda Rider, was so delicious I could have cried. Sara and I tented for the first time and with help of a military Butch close by, we had were successful on our first outdoor sleeping adventure. Aside from forgetting to drink coffee and bitchin’ at Sara, the event went really well. Ramblewood is always the place where Sara and I reboot every summer and we are starting to talk more about the kinds of relationships we want to have with others as a couple and on our own. I’m starting to voice my desires with her and to myself as well.

I’m definitely still in the market for a boyfriend/boifriend but I’ve also been thinking about stepping into my own top space more, especially after having the opportunity to use my strap-on with a gorgeous femme at Fetfest. I would love to have a girl submissive so I could activate my mommy/teacher side and have someone else carry the bags for my Lady for a change. I definitely want more time with the male body, mostly because penis’ are hilariously fascinating and though I am told men really are not that confusing, sometimes I still don’t get it. In the kink department, I am really interested in discipline, reward and punishment. Chastity has really peaked my interest as well. This is definitely the hottest thing about kink – it gives me total brain-gasms.

As I expand my ideas of play, I am always thinking about my place in kink as a writer. Finishing my first book,

Girl with the Unicorn Earrings, a poly marriage story about exploring sexuality through BDSM, kink, tantra and the senses,

I’m feeling scared about the mainstream views of the novel and brave inside my commitment in writing for the kink community, for queer black girls just coming into their sexuality and for folks across the US who redefine marriage and relationships on their own terms. I’m crawling through the last two chapters, thinking about editing and publishing (ya know, when I should just be writing the book, as Sara reminds me).  Though I feel like the queer writing world is my oyster, I am still shaky about how kink and poly practices will be received. Yet still, I write. This story has been incubating for the past two years and it’s time to tell it and I am tell it for the kinky queers.

So, traveling was not so bad after all but being back in NYC is more dreamy than the on road. And the next time I post, I will be complete with the first draft.

Until next time!

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