My experience at this year’s International Ms Leather (IMsL) was so amazing, it is hard to capture into words (but I’m a writer so I’ll give it a try). If you are not familiar with IMsL, it is a contest, conference and sex positive play space for people of all genders that encourages sexual freedom and alternative sex practices. The contest awards a leather person and bootblack the privilege of touring the country as a representative of the leather and kink community. This year’s theme of the conference was consent, exploring how our community voices the action of permission. And the sex positive play space provides a safe dungeon to fuck and practice some of the sexiest kink scenes I have ever witnessed.
So basically, IMsL is the shit. I look forward to it every year, seeing old friends, meeting hot queers and dressing up in my sexiest leather wear. After six years of attendance, I feel at home as my leather identity evolves from leather girl to leather woman, female identified to genderqueer and a growing exploration of what it may mean or not mean for me to be femme-ish.
Here are some highlights from the weekend:
I had the honor of sitting on a panel with three highly intelligent human beings to talk about consent in the context of identity, law and kink. As you can imagine, it is very hard to cover the full conversation of consent in 90 minutes but we touched on some very vital things that directly effect our community. I spoke about sexual consent in the context of being a person living with mental illness, what it was like to enter into a psych ward thinking that sex toys in my bag would label me a prostitute (a word I do not use daily as it criminalizes sex work, which is a whole other conversation) and how my experience as a person of color dictates my definition of consent and non-consent. I was delighted to discuss these topics with my peers and continue the conversation in my community.
Recovery In The Lifestyle
I hosted two recovery meetings this year and it was such an honor to be asked to do service as I approach two years of sobriety. Talking about recovery in the context of the kinky lifestyle is not only something that is much needed for my leather heart but engages me in looking a how the experience of sex has changed for me in sobriety. There is a huge sober community in the scene and I’m blessed to realize that they were always there waiting for me to heal alongside them.
Learning How to be a Trans Ally
From the consent panel I learned what it means to ask consent of someone who you consider yourself to be an ally to. As a POC who has the privilege of being surrounded by white allies, I am seeing the work I need to do to become a better trans ally. There is no such thing as “best ally of the year” – it’s not a contest you should ever expect to be rewarded for. It is simply our duty to straight up not be assholes to marginalized people and ask them/us what we need to have our voices elevated even when we are not in the room. I want to do that work and if anyone who is reading this is trans identified, I ask you – if you have the energy and emotional space – to please call me out when I need to be called out. I am more then willing to do the work, whatever that may be.
The beauty of the kinky, leather community is our learned ability to communicate what we want from each other in both sex and play. Some players practice higher risk sex behaviors so it is imperative that we communicate to those we play with what is physically and emotionally safe. During the weekend I had a kink scene that was not only super hot but a reminder of how empowered I feel when I thoroughly communicate how I would like someone to receive my body. Pre-play, we talked about what we wanted and where we were emotionally. During play, we continued to negotiate what was working and what was not. After, we processed any feelings or thoughts that we left the scene with. Learning how to negotiate has not only helped me in my active sex life but in my everyday relationships.
Landmarks in Leather History
I want to congratulate the new International Ms Leather Aisia (Girl Complex) for her win and am so excited and touched that she is the 6th Black women to receive the title. She is a badass individual who has so much to bring to the title when it comes to talking about the intersectionality of POC identity. And she’s fun! We ofcourse want a title holder who can have hard conversations but we also want a title holder who can bring the party! I can’t wait to witness her title year.
These are just a few of the highlights for the weekend. I am so grateful to have a safe space where I can experience the fullness of my sexual identity and be with my peoples on the West Coast. If you are a leather person or exploring and have not yet been to IMsL, just go! I promise you won’t regret it.