The universe is fascinating and terrifying in the ways that she delivers her gifts. When we receive what we asked of her, we often realize we had no idea of the responsibility we have to fulfill the awarded path. When we don’t receive what we asked for, we loss trust that the universe can give us what we want. But whether we like it or not, she is always offering us what we need.
When I called for the universe to give me a safe home and received it, I felt a shower of blessings. I had exactly what I wanted but was still unaware of just how much I needed it. I needed the momentous change so I could grow up and begin relying on myself. I discovered something even harder leaving my ex, paying rent, finding a job and filing for divorce: that under the gift I was given lied the incredibly hard work of being responsible to myself.
The universe has no time for me to be a control freak. It has always been my attempt to manipulate the results and know the outcome so I encounter no surprises. This is not how life works. I’ve had to learn to hold everything in my hands and permit it to move at its own delicate motion.
Here’s a concrete example:
When I first moved, I hadn’t worked in two years and knew if I was going to survive I would need to find a job immediately. So I went back to my old nonprofit gig, one that I absolutely hated for reasons I don’t even want to get into in this short post. Three months in, I was already declaring “fuck it” and ready to leave without a new paycheck opportunity presenting itself. When I talked to my great-godmother, my Santeria guide who channels the Orisha, I was told I don’t have blessings to leave.
I actually wanted to blame the spirits who I have learned to trust with my life for allowing me to be miserable.
Then I started my tarot business and was hired to read cards at Catland Books. This meant that I had to stop working at my job one day a week to work the store. I quickly realized what the universe was doing. She was pushing me very slowly into self employment without putting me in direr financially strain.
As I build my own freelance writing and tarot work, the hours at my job are shrinking. Instead of performing poorly and showing up late to work everyday out of spite, I absorbed the message and remembered the comfort of my paycheck. As much as I want to walk out, I’m not ready. Something in me has shifted from resistance to tolerance that I know I simply have to show up for. The place may still be a shit show but after three days of work, I know I can fully focus on my spiritual calling. This makes it much easier to show up to an office to do my job and remember it won’t be forever.
The universe never needs us to understand what she is giving us. She calls us into acceptance that she is watching over us everyday and that some pain and discomfort is actually an experience we have to embrace to learn and grow. This may sound super airy fairy but real mama talk, shit happens that we can’t predict and we don’t have any choice but to go with it. I’d like to consider that we even have the capacity to keep on keeping on knowing something greater then ourselves is guiding us if you choose to acknowledge it.
It is no coincidence that she is bringing me clients who mirror my life precisely. The readings, the cards, what I see and hear is all about and for my clients. But I gain a better understanding of my ability, I strengthen my connection with my spirits and I offer myself open eyes to the way I am walking in this life when I guide my clients to see what they had not once considered.
Right now in this moment, I have exactly what I need.
If I had not jumped into this huge life change and embraced what a needed, I would have never discovered who I am truly becoming. A handsome/beautiful genderqueer embracing new pronouns (they/them/their). A conveyer of light with the ability to offer it to others. A Black female bodied entrepreneur. A two years and four month sober individual who no longer chooses to slowly disappear. A person willing and able to adult everyday. A fierce woman who welcomed new love into their life when they were seconds away from giving up on it. A warrior on a journey to self love and self care. A spiritual energy submitting to an ability to embrace my gifts and offer them to the people who are calling for it.
I am resilient as fuck.
My mother told me that when I was 6 weeks old, she left me to go back to work and I never cried. I never cried when I went to sleep away camp or went on trips with a friend or spent long weekends with my dad. She asserts that I have always been strong and ready to step into whole new worlds without fear. If I ever had fear, I just entered an unfamiliar place afraid.
I am here and I crack myself open everyday to allow myself to be lead by what the universe has to offer.